Most Valentines I read are either funny or full of judgment. Typically these are “positive” judgments, but judgments none the less. For example, things like “You are my soulmate”, or “There is no one in the world sweeter than you”. And sure, these things are fine enough for a Valentine, but if you really want to rock someone’s socks, may I suggest a heart-felt, authentic, NVC-style outpouring of appreciation?
In NVC, or nonviolent communication, there is a focus on universal feelings and needs. And with this focus, we intentionally veer away from blame and judgment. When sharing appreciations or expressing love, this tool (NVC) can be used to really maximize authenticity and connection. And while learning NVC takes time, as this very brief description does not really do it justice, learning how to write an NVC-style Valentine is a bit easier – or at least less time consuming. (If you are interested in diving into the world of NVC, check out The Bigbie Method’s Intro to NVC course here).
How to do it:
You’ll want to shift your mindset from saying something inherit about the other person and instead bring the focus to you and your experience with them. This strategy helps to remove judgments about them, and it encourages you to speak to what is true for you, which almost always is received as much more authentic and connecting.
Step one: Ask yourself, “What do I feel when I am with this person?” or “What do I feel when I think about this person?”.
Step two: Ask yourself, “What needs are met in my relationship with this person?”
Step three: Tell them that! Or write it down in a Valentine. Whatever you like.
Below, I share some examples of what this could look like. I have italicized words that are feelings or needs. You can use these same templates and just fill in the feelings and needs that are alive in you! For a helpful list of both universal feelings and universal human needs, check out this link.
Here are some examples…
Valentine for a partner:
“When I am with you, I feel comfortable and calm. I love that I have safety, fun, and passion within our relationship. For me, our bond is fueled by respect, appreciation, compassion, growth, and care – and I am so grateful for that. Happy Valentines Day! I love you.”
Valentine for a friend:
“Every time I think about spending time together, I get excited because I know that not only are we likely going to laugh and have fun, but I’ll also have an experience of being seen, heard, and understood. I cannot ever thank you enough for that. Cheers to our friendship! Happy Valentines Day.”
Valentine for your child:
“I feel so happy and delighted to be your mama. When we are together, there is so much love, joy, kindness, compassion, and learning. I think I got pretty lucky to have you as a kid. I love you lots and forever! Happy Valentines Day.”
I hope this way of expressing love resonates with you! And I hope this template and examples were helpful. Feel free to share some expressions that you come up with in the comments!
