In Nonviolent Communication, we often talk about connection. Ideally, NVC is used as a tool to find connection, or come back to connection, even in times of conflict. Most people walking around in the world are carrying some type of trauma, whether they are aware of it or not. When disconnection happens, trauma is often at the heart of it, even if not explicitly (usually not explicitly). So in order to come back to connection, we must understand trauma, the responses people have to trauma and triggers, and how to regulate the nervous system so that someone can feel safe enough to connect.
I would argue that NVC as a practice is trauma aware. It takes into account that people get triggered by seemingly innocuous wording/phrases, and aims to reduce those triggers as best as possible. NVC does this by removing blame and judgment from language, and focusing on observations as a way to find common ground. Generally, this strategy works, but no one, not even Marshall Rosenberg, can predict the trauma that someone has lying within, and they certainly cannot anticipate/prepare for every single word that might trigger someone. It’s just not possible.
Luckily, NVC can be used to repair, even when the harm was caused by words that were aligned with NVC “best practice”. I realize this concept may be puzzling. Stick with me here.
Nonviolent Communication, at it’s core, requires curiosity. So if someone reacts to a word or phrase with a trauma response, the spirit of NVC asks one to lean in with curiosity as to why that response came about, and what needs that person is mourning. This is so different from the way most people communicate. Typically, trauma responses are met with more reactions, which also might be trauma responses, and then people find themselves in a vicious circle in which everyone’s nervous system is in dysregulation, and no one is thinking rationally.
Sometimes, however, it is near impossible to lean in with curiosity when we are triggered ourselves. In those instances, NVC gives us “WAIT”, which stands for “Why am I talking?” and “What am I thinking?”. It is an opportunity for self-reflection, for “cooling down” and processing our own triggers, traumas, reactions, feelings, and needs. In other words, it is a built-in nervous system regulation reminder. When we are triggered, we can feel it in our bodies. Typically, we are reacting with an amygdala response instead of an intentional pre-frontal cortex response. WAIT reminds us to literally wait to respond until we check ourselves. It asks us to deal with our own sh*t so that we can show up in integrity with NVC again.
So what are these nervous system regulation tools? There are so many. NVC uses a top-down approach, meaning it is more cognitive in nature and starts with thinking, which then affects the body’s response. These things may include self-empathy, getting empathy from a third party, practicing a conversation on the NVC dancefloor, doing enemy image processing, and more. All of them have empathy, in some form, at the core. Other bottom-up regulation tools outside of NVC can also be helpful, and can certainly be used during WAIT. Bottom-up just means starting with the body instead of the head. They are practices that encourage embodiment to then calm down the nervous system so that the head can then think more clearly. These are practices like breathwork; somatic awareness exercises; movement like yoga, walking, or dancing; vocal expression like singing, chanting, or even yelling; sensory experiences like a cold shower or simply going outside; etc. The list is near endless, really.
Ideally, a combination of top-down and bottom-up approaches can be used to not only get one back to a sense of safety within their own mind and body, but also be able to show up calm and collected for those around them. That energy with NVC as a tool for connection is a game changer.
